McDonald's Fast Food Job Application
Following is an actual job application someone submitted
at a McDonald's fast-food establishment:
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NAME:
Greg Bulmash
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DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. HA, But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to
be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
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DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance
package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
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EDUCATION:
Yes.
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LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
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SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.
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MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
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REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.
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HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
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PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
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DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
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MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
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DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING
UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of What?
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DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
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HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
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DO YOU SMOKE?:
Only when set on fire.
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WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
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DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
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SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising.
... They hired him!
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